Despero
by Smartest Girl In The World
Summary: You are lost. You are broken. You have ruined yourself. You are in desperate need of a life preserver. You struggle and struggle and you can’t seem to rise from the mess that is your life... You are Nate Archibald and you are broken in more ways than one.


Hey! I want to thank everyone who reviewed my previous stories _The Princess and the Goddess_ and _Puzzle_. Thank you for all the support! I'm trying to work on a storyline to continue _The Princess and the Goddess_. While I was working on it, I sort of came up with this. I hope you guys like this little one-shot as well. I'm kind of experiencing with writing styles. It's a little one-shot in the Second Person Point of View. It's Nate's thoughts on his messed up life in the TV-verse with a little Book-verse qualities. Implied D/S, B/C, N/S, N/B, N/J, N/V. Implied B/N at the end because I just love those two, but you can take it as however you want.

Summary: You are lost. You are broken. You have ruined yourself. You are in desperate need of a life preserver. You struggle and struggle and you can't seem to rise from the mess that is your life... You are Nate Archibald and you are broken in more ways than one.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

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**despero** : _to have no hope, despair, give up. _

You don't know how or why it ends up like this. You blame yourself of course. You've pretty much lost everything. Your life is screwed. It's all your fault. You were the Crown Prince of the Upper East Side. You had everything handed to you on a silver platter and now…

Now you're drowning. You're struggling. You're still the charming Golden Boy, but that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. Except…

You see two girls. One is golden and leggy. The other is brunette and petite. They were your best friends, your girlfriends, your lovers. But you messed up. Like always. They're still your friends, but it isn't the same. You aren't as close. You aren't number one to them anymore. You wonder if you're even in the top ten. Probably not. And that fills you with an ache and longing so deep.

You want to go back to when everything was much simpler and you guys were together practically twenty-four seven. But you just stand there and watch the two greatest loves of your young life. The hole in your heart deepens. You can't bear to watch them, so you turn away.

But your mind can't help but drift to thoughts of them. You think of the simpler times. The happy times. The times that you fucked up…

The times with the golden girl are all smiles and laughs. She is sunny and bright just like her hair. She is everything everyone wants. Everything _you_ want. But you aren't satisfied. Never were. You want more. _You need more_.

The times with the brunette are filled with little kisses and lots of care. She is demanding and bossy, but she gives as much as she demands. She always does little things for you. She takes care of you. She is everything you need. But you aren't satisfied. Never were. You want more. _You yearn for more_.

You took the both of them for granted. And for that you are stupid.

You don't deserve either of them. You don't deserve the golden girl with all her smiles. You especially don't deserve the brunette with all her care. You've broken their hearts on more than one occasion. You've broken the heart of the brunette especially so many times…

You don't deserve them. You screw everything up. You don't deserve anyone.

**You're Nate Archibald and you're _not_ a prince.**

So it doesn't surprise you when Serena turns to Dan. It does hurt when Blair ends up in Chuck's arms. But you don't do anything. You don't deserve either.

It's easier to accept Serena and Dan. You didn't know Dan at first, so it was easy. There wasn't any betrayal. Even now when Dan is your friend, it's still easy. He let you in when you had almost nothing. You're grateful to him. Even though he kicked you out, you still understand. You weren't good for Jenny. You aren't good for anyone. Besides, Serena was never yours to begin with. You can let go of her even though you love her and you feel a pang in your heart when you do.

Blair and Chuck are harder to accept. Chuck was your best friend and Blair was your girlfriend. It was betrayal of the worst kind. It tears you apart. _Because Blair was yours_.

She was the one who cared. And now she's gone. She isn't _yours_ anymore.

It's hard to blame Blair because you hurt her so many times, but you blame her partially because she broke your heart. You blame Chuck more because it's easy and he should've known better. But mostly, you blame yourself. Because you should've shown her the love she deserved. You should've treated her like the princess she was and is. You should've held her close and told her how much she really meant to you. But you screwed up like always and she's gone. She ran to _Chuck_ and it's your fault.

You feel a hollow ache, an emptiness, in your heart at the loss. But you know you need to let her go. She deserves more than you. You'd screw her over anyway. So you just grin and bear it.

**You're Nate Archibald and you've lost everything that really mattered.**

You reluctantly admit that Dan is good for Serena. He's a good guy. You know that it's true. No one deserves a girl as golden as Serena. Especially not you. But Dan is close. And you think that if it has to be someone, Dan is the best choice.

You refuse to admit that Chuck is good for Blair. Maybe it's your pride, but you just don't want to see it. You don't want to see that Blair is livelier, free from the restraints that were her inhibitions. You don't want to see that Blair is happier with Chuck. You don't want to see that Chuck can be good for Blair. Better than you could ever be. _You don't want to see that Blair and Chuck are in love_.

Because Blair had given _you_ her heart, not _Chuck_. Because you loved Blair _first_, and that has to mean _something_.

But in the back of your mind, you can't help but think Chuck deserves Blair more than you do. That Chuck is better for Blair than you are. That Chuck loves Blair better than you do. _That Blair loves Chuck more than she loved you_.

**You are Nate Archibald and you are broken in more ways than one.**

You've had many great girls in your life. First there was Blair, but you took her for granted. Then there was Serena, but you wanted more. Next was little Jenny Humphrey, but you pined for another. Then there was Vanessa, but you yearned for Blair. You are never satisfied, pining for one when you are with another. You nearly _broke_ Serena and Blair's friendship. You drove them away from each other and from yourself. In your longing for Blair, you drove Jenny and Vanessa to become like her. But you didn't want that. You messed all four of them up just like you messed yourself up. Now you have no one.

**You're Nate Archibald and you ruin everything you love.**

Maybe it's because she is your first love, your _greatest love_. Maybe it's because there's something special about her. But whatever it is, you can't seem to get over Blair Waldorf.

But you've had your chance. You've had many chances and you blew each of them. And when you finally have your act together, she doesn't want you anymore. She wants _Chuck_. So you let her go at prom because you want her happy.

But that ache deepens. Your heart can't bear it.

**You are Nate Archibald and you are _drowning _once more.**

You are lost. You are broken. You have ruined yourself. You are in desperate need of a life preserver. You struggle and struggle and you can't seem to rise from the mess that is your life.

You feel like you've made a mess out of everything. Everyone is moving on with their lives without you. Serena is no longer with Dan, but she is too busy with the information about her father for you. Chuck and Blair are too busy with their on-again romance for you. You miss Serena. You miss Chuck. But most of all, you miss Blair.

So you ruin your life even more until you are sick. You don't expect anyone to care. Everyone is past caring for you. You're in despair. You have no hope. So you wallow in your misery and think of the happier times. The times when you had _her_.

**You are Nate Archibald and you are no more.**

It surprises you when Blair arrives with some hot soup and a vase of flowers. She had heard you were sick and she is concerned. She arranges the flowers to brighten up the room and sits down as you eat the soup. She had not made the soup herself, but you are filled with happiness as you realize she remembered what your favorite soup was. You are surprised, but you know you shouldn't be. She's always known everything about you. But still, you are content and filled with warmth as you eat your soup. She is chatting animatedly while she holds your hand. It astonishes you how much she takes care of you even now.

Her ruby lips are curled in a soft smile and her deep brown eyes are twinkling like the stars. It's an expression you know.

Your mind drifts off to those happy times with her…

_Always have. Always will._

**You are Nate Archibald and you have hope.**

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**I hope you liked it. Tell me what you think! **


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